I have placed life and death before you, blessing and curse; and you
should choose life…(Devarim 30:19)
With Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur bearing down upon us it’s hard to know
how to see ourselves. There even seems to be some mixed signals coming
from the sagely sources. Am I good or am I bad? Let’s try a few
A friend of mine tried to call me up Erev Rosh Hashana and apparently
misdialed. A woman with a heavy Russian accent answered the phone. Not
recognizing the voice, he asked, “Is this the Lam residence?” She answered
sternly, “I am afraid you are a mistake?” Of course she misspoke but he
called me moments later and told me he felt a little devastated. He hadn’t
realized he was a mistake. There’s a world of practical difference between
understanding “I made a mistake” and feeling “I am a mistake”.
A few weeks ago my older boys were lightly teasing and testing their
youngest sister at the table. One quizzed her strongly asking, “Are you
good or bad? She shot back without hesitation, “Both!” They pressed her
again, “Good or bad? Which one?” She wouldn’t be intimidated a bit. She
answered with a single word again, “Both!” How profound was that exchange!
I once asked the famous psychiatrist and author Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski
if he could give me a working definition of “positive self-esteem”.
Without hesitation he said, “Knowing your good points and your bad points
simultaneously.” At first it sounded remarkably simple but later gained
appreciation for its depth.
I realized that seeing only good points makes us haughty while seeing only
bad points leaves us vulnerable to depression. Seeing them alternately
puts us on an emotional rollercoaster ride. Being aware of both
simultaneously creates a healthy balance. We can neither become too high
on ourselves considering our faults nor too low when we know our goodness.
Having that healthy balance allows us to face our failures and faults
without fear of feeling like a mistake. Then we can enjoy the benefits of
criticism that help make the good better and the bad a little less so.
Wondering aloud, “Are we good or bad?” I guess the smart answer is “both”.
As the “days of awe” draw near, though, some may begin to feel an urge to
be even better.