Dealing with Peer Pressure

So there you are, standing around with your friends, having a great time. You are all laughing, sharing a moment-you know the feeling. You and your friends are the center of the world.

Friends are very important. They are so important that the Talmud (Taanis 23a) tells us that a great man named Rava once said,”There is a saying; let me have friends or let me die.” That’s a strong statement. Yet, the Rabbis understood the power of friendship. We need friends. We need that interaction, that sense of belonging to a group. It is part of what makes us human.

Now let’s take a closer look.

You are unique. Each one of your friends is unique. You have feelings and values that are important to you that may be very different from your friend’s values. But something happens when you all get together. You can’t really put your finger on it. It is just, well, it is just there. It is the feeling of being part of a group. It is the feeling of being connected to something greater and stronger

Yet, it is something more than that. It is the feeling of surrendering yourself, your thoughts, values and feelings, to something much larger than you. You become a piece of something bigger. You are no longer focused on yourself; you are focused on how you relate to the group and what the group thinks of you.

It feels very good to be part of a group. People have tremendous influence over each other when they are together. Groups are a powerful force. However, what happens when the group wants to do something that contradicts your values or what you believe to be the right thing to do. Now you have a serious problem. What should you do?

It is very easy for me to sit here and tell you, “just be strong and do the right thing. Stick to your values and principles. Develop positive self-esteem and you won’t care what anyone says. Ignore the others.” However, it may make sense in theory, but come on! that’s not the way life works.

So here’s some practical advice that does work!

Let’s say you are standing in a group and they decide to do XYZ, an action that flies in the face of your values. Take a deep breath and turn to anyone in the group. Tell them exactly what you feel when you think about doing XYZ. Don’t tell them that it’s the wrong thing to do. Don’t tell them that it goes against your values. Tell them what is going on inside YOUR head. How does doing XYZ make YOU feel?

You see, people can argue with you when you tell them they are doing the wrong thing. They can deny that their values are less than pure. But no one can argue with you about a thought or feeling that you have. It’s your thought! How can someone argue with you? If you tell them that it makes you sick to your stomach to think about doing XYZ or when someone says ABC, you get so mad, you want to punch a hole in a wall, how can anyone argue with that? It is a fact. You feel this way. What can someone tell you? “No, you aren’t feeling mad? No, you really feel that doing XYZ?” That’s ridiculous! No one can argue with you over a feeling that you have.

Here’s an example. Suppose your friends decide that they want to sneak into a movie. You are uncomfortable doing that. So you say, “look, guys, I feel really nervous about this. I’m worried that we’ll get caught and even if we don’t, I won’t enjoy the movie because I’ll be constantly looking over my shoulder. The whole idea makes me very, very uncomfortable.” Then you sit back and don’t say a word. Let your friends make the next move. They may try to convince you that there is no reason for you to be nervous, but if you just repeat again, “thinking about doing this makes me uncomfortable,” what can they say? “No, it doesn’t make you uncomfortable?” How can they argue with you over whether or not you feel uncomfortable?

This method puts you back in control. You are simply describing how you feel and then you sit back. You aren’t judging them or what they are doing. You aren’t backing out of the group. You are simply sharing your feelings with them and now they have to respond to your feelings. You toss the ball right back at them. You can remain part of the group without giving in. You are presenting facts for the group to deal with. This is how I feel. Period. Besides, the chances are good that you aren’t the only one in the group feeling uncomfortable. As soon as you start talking, someone else will probably jump in and say they feel the same way.

Obviously, this method does not work all the time. You have to use some discretion when you apply it.

But I think you will like the results