These divrei Torah were adapted from the hashkafa portion of Rabbi Yissocher Frand’s Commuter Chavrusah Series on the weekly portion: #1317 – Oops! I Bentched Shabbos Candles But I Forgot To Bentch Chanukah Licht. Now What? Good Shabbos!

The pesukim in Parshas Miketz say, “Now to Yosef were born two sons… Yosef called the name of the firstborn Menashe, for ‘G-d has made me forget all my hardship and all my father’s house.’ And the name of the second he called Ephraim, for ‘G-d has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.'” (Bereshis 41:50-52).

The name Ephraim is readily understandable. Ephraim was called by that name because Yosef was showing his gratitude to the Ribono shel Olam that he merited having two children in the Land of Egypt, which was otherwise a terrible place for him. The name Menashe is a little more difficult to understand: “For the Ribono shel Olam made me forget all that I went through and my father’s house” (according to the translation of Targum Onkelus).

Many commentaries, including Rav Shimshon Raphael Hirsch, ask the obvious question: Why is Yosef proud of the fact that he forgot his father’s home? When someone is asked “why do you do such and such?” – the typical answer is “because that was the practice in my father’s house.” So much of our traditions are based on what we saw in our parents’ and grandparents’ homes! These commentaries reject the idea that Yosef is thankful that Hashem made him forget what he saw in his father’s house.

I saw two interpretations that address this question – one in a sefer called Revid Yosef, and another from Rav Yisrael Salanter. The interpretations are similar, but different.

The Revid Yosef says as follows: When Yosef says “kol beis avi” he is not referring to the practices of Yaakov Avinu. Yosef was not talking about whether Yaakov Avinu made kiddush sitting or standing. He was not talking about the practice of Yaakov Avinu on Motzai Shabbos Chanukah, whether Yaakov made havdalah first or lit Chanukah candles first. He was not talking about such practices.

What was Yosef talking about? In today’s terminology, Yosef had experienced trauma. He suffered trauma when his brothers wanted to kill him and almost did. Unfortunately, we hear all too often in our society that children suffer trauma at home. Whether it is abuse or other environmental issues in their parents’ home, trauma can leave a terrible impression on a person. It can permanently saddle him with psychological baggage. People sometimes need to spend years in therapy, costing thousands of dollars, to deal with childhood trauma.

According to the Revid Yosef, Yosef Hatzaddik is proclaiming that Hashem did him a great favor by granting him amnesia regarding the trauma he experienced in his father’s home. He was able to put all those painful experiences behind him without being scarred for life by them. It was as if Hashem pressed the delete button on that part of his brain and he did not remember it anymore. Therefore, he did not have the baggage and therefore, he did not bear a grudge.

We see this all too often. A person goes through life angry with something or someone and can’t function normally. Anger is like a monkey on a person’s back. The psychological and emotional baggage can be debilitating. Yosef expressed gratitude that he was spared these memories: ki nasahni Elokim es kol amalee v’es kol beis avi.

Rav Yisrael Salanter says almost the same thing, but with one significant difference. He writes that Yosef expressed gratitude that he was able to make himself forget what his brothers did to him. Yosef is thanking Hashem for giving him the strength to work on himself and be able to erase these painful memories himself from his memory bank. It was not a gift from Hashem that he was struck with amnesia and forgot the whole thing. No! “I worked on myself and I was successful in causing myself to forget it!”

Rav Yisrael Salanter is teaching that Yosef is demonstrating that a person is in fact capable of ridding himself of traumatic experiences – with s’yata D’shmaya (Divine assistance) – by his own efforts. It is humanly possible. The question is how does a person do that? What is the key?

I want to explain this with an incident I read in a sefer called Me’Orei Ohr.

There was a woman who went to an Arachim Seminar. She was sitting there listening to the lectures. After one lecture, she went up to the speaker and told him the following: “I am 30 years old and I am not married. I have not been able to go out for the last 10 years. Why? It is because at 20 I was engaged to someone to be married, and a week before the wedding, the chosson broke our shidduch and left me high and dry. I can’t get over that. It scarred me for life to the extent that even 10 years later, I still cannot get over it.” This woman added, “Not only did he break the wedding, but I called up the catering hall and they told me that he had already cancelled the wedding two weeks prior to when he told me he was breaking off the engagement!” This whole experience so devastated her that she was incapable of even going out on a date.

The speaker told her: You are not telling the story correctly. The real story is the great favor that Hashem did for you by saving you from marriage to such a despicable person! You are the luckiest girl in the world. Imagine what it would be like to be married to such an unethical and horrible person. That is how you need to perceive this whole incident in your mind.

That “reframing” of this trauma gave her a whole new perspective. The worst thing imaginable did not happen to her, but rather, Hashem, in His mercy saved her from a fate that would have been far worse.

This is the key to how Yosef Hatzadik did it, as well. Yosef Hatzadik told his brothers “You planned this matter to be something bad for me, Elokim planned it to be something good for me.” (Bereshis 50:20) Not only did Hashem’s plan save me, it also saved my family and the entire world from starvation. “Look at what the Ribono shel Olam did! He put it in your heads that I was a rodef. You sold me down to Mitzrayim. We know what happened after that. The rest is history.” Yosef was able to reframe the “bad event” into a “favorable event.”

This is what Rav Yisrael Salanter means when he says that Yosef was able to make himself forget the trauma of the life in his father’s house. He was able to find a silver lining in what seemed to be a horrible cloud. This is not the easiest thing in the world to do, but it is sometimes the key to how we need to look at things – to try to see how what we perceive as “bad” is really “good.” Admittedly, this is difficult, but it is a far better way than living life with a monkey on your back.

Shabbos Candles and Chanukah Candles – Polar Opposite Messages

The Gemara says (Shabbos 23b) that “someone who is meticulous in the candle (ha’ragil b’ner) will have sons who are Torah scholars.” Rashi interprets the term “ha’ragil b’ner” as referring to someone who is diligent when it comes to the mitzvos of Shabbos candles and Chanukah candles.

There are no “magic formulas” or “silver bullets” in Yiddishkeit. However, Chazal are teaching us here that there is something about ner Shabbos and ner Chanukah that make it likely that a person who raises children in such a home will have children who are talmidei chachomim. What is the message that Chazal are trying to teach us? What is the message of ner Chanukah and ner Shabbos?

Ner Shabbos and ner Chanukah have polar opposite symbolisms. Ner Shabbos is all about shalom bayis. It is an internally focused mitzvah – how to maintain peace and tranquility in a person’s home. Ner Chanukah has a totally different message. Ner Chanukah is about pirsumei nissa, which is an external broadcast. It is about having an effect, not inside the four walls of my house, but outside the four walls of my house.

If that is the case, perhaps Chazal are teaching us the following message: The key to a person having “good children” is by combining ner Shabbos and ner Chanukah.

It is not uncommon to have someone who klapei chutz (on the outside) is the nicest person in the world, the type of person who will give you the shirt off his back. He is always ready to help. A wonderful person! But sometimes the greatest people “b’chutz” (outside) are not the greatest people “b’fnim” (inside). When they get into the confines of their own home, Mr. Nice Guy turns into Mr. Tyrant or Mr. Temper or Mr. My-Way-Or-the-Highway! Such a fellow excels in ner Chanukah. Vis a vis pirsumei nisa – projecting outward – he is great. But as far as ner Shabbos, k’lapei pnim, the internal harmony at home leaves a lot to be desired.

On the other hand, it is perhaps a little less common scenario for a person to be wonderful only at home. He is a true ben Torah, meticulous in his mitzvah observance. But when he goes out into the larger world, he sort of changes his uniform. He does not want to act like that. Whether it is peer pressure from others who don’t act like that, or perhaps fear of being accused of being a “frummy,” he changes his act. On the outside he is a different person than on the inside. His shalom bayis, represented by ner Shabbos, is perfect; but his ner Chanukah – what he broadcasts to the outside world – is something else.

If children do not see consistency in parents, they pick it up right away. If the great person on the outside is a terrible father or a terrible husband on the inside, children see the contradiction. On the other hand, if they see how the parent acts on the outside with his friends and they see that the parent is a different person inside, they get that as well. They don’t need to be teenagers or adults to see these contradictions. They pick up on it very early in life.

Children cannot tolerate inconsistency and hypocrisy. That is what Chazal are trying to teach us. Someone who is meticulous about both Shabbos candles and Chanukah candles has the same care and concern about his actions within the home and outside the home. Such consistent behavior is a segulah (fortuitous omen) for children who will be Torah scholars. Of course, there are no guarantees in life, but when parents are consistent role models – both inside and outside the home – ths greatly increases the chances that the children will wish to follow in their parents’ footsteps.

Let us pray that Hashem should grant all of us children who see consistency in us both m’ba’chutz as well as m’bi’fnim, and who are or become talmidei chachomim. This will be the biggest Chanukah present for all of us.

Transcribed by David Twersky; Jerusalem [email protected]

Technical Assistance by Dovid Hoffman; Baltimore, MD [email protected]

This week’s write-up is adapted from the hashkafa portion of Rabbi Yissochar Frand’s Commuter Chavrusah Series on the weekly Torah portion. A listing of the halachic portions for Parshas Miketz is provided below:

• # 035 – Chanukah Issues
• # 077 – Prohibitions During Times of Crises
• # 126 – Dreams in Halacha and Hashkafa
• # 173 – Dreams in Halacha II
• # 219 – Chanukah Issues II
• # 263 – Women and Chanukah Candle Lighting
• # 309 – “Lo Sechanaim” Giving Gifts to Non-Jews
• # 353 – Chanukah and Hidur Mitzvah
• # 397 – Lighting Neiros in Shul; Other Chanukah Issues
• # 441 – Taanis Chalom
• # 485 – Miracle Products and Other Chanukah Issues
• # 529 – Ner Chanukah: Where, When, and Other Issues
• # 573 – The Silver Menorah and Other Chanukah Issues
• # 617 – The Bad Dream
• # 661 – Davening for the Welfare of the Government
• # 705 – Chanukah Candles, Hotels and Chashunas
• # 749 – Solomonic Wisdom
• # 793 – Oops! 3 Candles on the 2nd Night
• # 837 – Hairbrushes on Shabbos – Permitted or Not Permitted
• # 881 – The T’reifa Chicken Scandal
• # 925 – Kavod Malchus – How Far Can You Go?
• # 968 – The Minyan: Must Everyone Be In The Same Room?
• #1012 – Preparing for Shabbos – Thursday or Friday? And other Issues
• #1056 – Oops! I Made A Bracha On The Shammash
• #1099 – Havdalah or Ner Chanukah – Which Comes First? And Other Issues
• #1142 – Must I Give Up My Hiddur Mitzvah For Your Kiyum Mitzvah?
• #1185 – A Smorgasbord of Chanukah Delicacies
• #1229 – Which Is Better: Lighting Menorah Yourself Later or with a Shaliach/wife at Proper Time?
• #1273 – Chanukah Lights Motzei Shabbos: How Early? Havdala Before or After Chanukah Lights?
• #1317 – Oops! I Bentched Shabbos Candles But I Forgot To Bentch Chanukah Licht. Now What?
• #1361 – Can Women Make Latkes While The Chanukah Candles Are Still Burning and other issues
• #1405 – Can You Light Chanukah Candles In Your Car and other Chanukah issues
• #1448 – I Had a Dream
• #1493 – Should I Worry If I Have a Bad Dream?
• #1537 – The Annual Issues with Lighting Chanukah Neiros on Erev Shabbos Chanukah
• (2022) – Solomonic Wisdom

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