But if you do not listen to Me and do not perform all these commandments and if you despise My statutes and reject My ordinances, not performing any of My Commandments, thereby breaking My covenant then I too, will do the same to you; …Your enemies will rule over you; you will flee, but no one will be pursuing you. And if, during these, you will not listen to Me, I will add another seven punishments for your sins: (Vayikra 26:14-18)

This is the beginning of what is classically called the “Tochechah”. “Tochechah” can loosely be translated as “rebuke”, but “reproof” might prove even more accurate. Let’s see why. What “Tochechah” is not is “telling someone off”, or saying scary things, “reading the riot act”, and preaching “fire and brimstone”. Sorry, those do not qualify. What then is “Tochechah”?

Reb Tzadik HaKohen says that the word “Tochechah” has as its root the word, “TOCH”, which means, “in”, “into”, “inner”. The words of “Tochechah” are meant to enter the listener’s insides. “Words that come out from the heart, enter the heart” our sages say. They are not intended to injure or insult but to help catalyze a critical change from within. That is where real change happens, not with coercion, or manipulation, but with communication.

Effective “Tochechah” employs proving to the listener that his excuse is no excuse. It happened many times that a student was sent to my office because he was consistently late for Davening, in the older grades, which is a major lapse. I would very relaxedly ask the young man why he was late the last four days. He would share with me four different realistic and credible stories about how and why traffic, family dynamics, bodily dysfunctions, and weather had impacted his ability to be on time. I would listen carefully and understand to the greatest extent of my empathic abilities. The boy would feel safe and understood. He knows he’s not in trouble. Then I would ask, “What if I were to promise to give you $1,000 for being on time this morning, would you have been late?” Answer me honestly please!” He thinks for a moment and answers frankly, “No!” AHA! There you have the proof, the “reproof”, the “Tochechah”.

The conversation has just changed. There are no more excuses. They are no longer valid. Now, we can ask again. “Why were you late for Davening and school the last four days?” The answer is now, because it doesn’t seem worth it to me. I understand why at age 13 you may not appreciate how Davening is not equal to thousands of dollars. Maybe someday you’ll appreciate how it’s actually priceless. Now, let’s begin that appreciation course together. We are not going to punish our way out of this, but rather we are going to educate our way up!

Now, here’s a classic case of “Tochechah” from an almost heavenly source. We were sitting by our Shabbos table with a brand-new bride and groom as our guests. They were each dating for many years. It was a painfully long process for both of them. We were happy that they found each other and now they were together, as husband and wife.

Then something went terribly wrong. The conversation took a very uncomfortable turn. The groom started talking about dates he had with other girls. He must have thought that this was entertaining but the look on his bride’s face indicated otherwise. She was in great pain. He didn’t notice. He just continued. I tried singing but the conversation came back to the same topic again. I attempted to change the subject but he swerved back again. I even kicked him. He was unstoppable. His bride was shrinking in shame. It seemed there was nothing to be done. This was going to be a painfully long night.

Now seated across from the bride was my four-year old daughter, Sara. She was busy studying the bride. A memory awakened from a year earlier. The same young lady had been a guest by us for an entire Shabbos. She was dating at the time a young man named David. He was staying by a neighbor. They ate all of the meals by us. They were dating seriously at the time but it didn’t work out. Based on a year-old memory from the age of three, my daughter said two words that changed the room. She asked the bride intently, “Where’s David?” The groom suddenly interrupted his own monologue and asked his wife in a huff, “Who’s David!?” AHA!! It dawned on him instantly. Precisely what he was doing, now is done unto him.