However, the Second Temple they were engaged in Torah mitzvot, and acts of kindness, why was it destroyed? Due to the fact that there was (SINAS CHINAM) unwarranted hatred. To teach you that (SINAS CHINAM) unwarranted hatred is equivalent to the three transgressions: Idol worship, immoral relations and bloodshed. (Yoma 9B)

I can remember well how I felt so many times during the 3 weeks and on Tisha B’Av being lectured on SINAS CHINAM and its destructiveness and experiencing the frustration of a generalized guilt with no diagnostic or curative tools. So, in the spirit of not doing unto others that which was done unto to me, I would like to offer a working definition of SINAS CHINAM and a few practical exercises to at least begin to mitigate that lethal problem.

I saw in a Sefer on Tomer Devorah a commentary by Rabbi S Matisyahu Solomon ztl a description of SINAS CHINAM that I could relate to. He gave a brutal example to illustrate the point. Please pardon me if I spell it out for educational purposes. A little boy in class is caught by his teacher playing with something in his desk. The teacher confiscates the item and warns him to not play around and rather pay attention. It happens again and again and then the teacher (it’s only a wild example to make a point) cuts off the boy’s arm. Everyone is mortified and the world comes down on this teacher’s head and rightfully so. When asked why he did it, he simply responds, “He was playing with something in his desk.” Yes, but that is no justification for mutilating him permanently like that. It’s overkill!

So, explains Reb Matisyahu that we may have a legitimate claim against another. He backed up and dented my car. The damage is $350. He never pays. He owes me that money. However, that does not give me license to hate him altogether and those in his family and people with that first name and last name and others who dress or talk like him or live in his neighborhood, and to refuse to make Shidduchim with anyone that reminds me remotely of him. Any residual resentment above the claim of $350 is CHINAM unwarranted. Yet, that is what can happen as we allow a monetary claim to fester in the form of hatred and spread like a terrible infection.
That is SINAS CHINAM! To limit its impact, we need to think surgically and reduce the problems we have with others to the smallest possible part, and to remove a splinter with a needle and not a flamethrower.

The Chofetz Chaim reminds us in his introduction to his Sefer Chofetz Chaim that the length of our exile is very much due to this unresolved and persistent problem of SINAS CHINAM, unwarranted hatred. What is there to do about it!

He explains why and how SHMIRAS HALOSHON, guarding one’s tongue can be the beginning of a cure. Everything is based on the verse from Tehillim, “Mi HaIsh HaChofetz Chaim” – “Who is the person who desires life, to see good?! Guard your tongue from bad and your lips from speaking deceitfully. Turn from bad and do good, seek peace and run after it!”

Again, why is speech a central discipline? The Chofetz Chaim explains that if one is careful not to harm another with even words then he will certainly be less likely to harm others bodily or materially. That is how proper speech can curb and cure action and behavior. Now, let’s see how it impacts how we think and feel about others.

My Uncle Jack was an ice cream salesman his entire life. He used to tell this absurd joke that got my grandmother and aunt laughing every time. A fellow walks into a store and sees pallets and pallets with bags of something piled up to the ceiling in every corner of the store.

He asks the store owner, “What is all this? Potatoes maybe?!” The store owner tells him, “It salt! It’s all salt!” The visitor exclaims, “You must sell a lot of salt!” The store owner replies, “Me? I don’t sell any salt, but that salt salesman, he sells a lot of salt!”

That is as ridiculous as can be! Why would a retailer continue to stock up on an item he does not sell. So too, if the mouth stops speaking LOSHON HORA then the mind will gradually cease to produce and import negative thoughts and feelings about others. They will naturally begin to learn to love days, and to see good in others.