Adapted from two public shiurim recently given by Rav Chaim Halpern shlita,
rov of Beis Hamedrash Divrei Chaim, London
Disciplining Children
In the last shiur we developed the obligation of chinuch, the necessity for
self-education, of tefillah and of teaching by example through forging a
meaningful relationship with children, most importantly by spending time
with them. The question now is: how do we discipline children and educate
them to follow in the pleasant ways of the Torah?
The Rambam asserts how children should be rewarded for their efforts and
their performance of mitzvos. This is a powerful technique to positively
build up the child and lovingly guide him to continue on the correct Torah
pathway. Gifts and incentives that encourage good behaviour act in
accordance with the principle of starting with ulterior motives (sh’lo
l’shmah) with the aim of then ultimately progressing on to adherence to
mitzvos without any vested interest (l’shmah).
Physical gifts are, however, not the only answer. Compliments are a
wonderful, powerful tool available to parents whereby they effectively
demonstrate their concern and regard for their children’s welfare. In that
these are the parents’ recognition of their children’s efforts, they should
not be underestimated or underused. It goes without saying that what and
how a parent speaks to a child is of great consequence. Discerning the
potential of their child in a realistic manner, parents will compliment
where necessary and note where their child is underachieving, where talking
with the child to develop a plan of those weak areas where there is room
for improvement is called for.
It is important for the parent to discuss and explain the inappropriate
behaviour of the child with him. In that sin is symptomatic of shtos, folly
(Sotah 3a), the Maharal explains that the opposite trait, which can counter
this, is da’as, knowledge and realisation of what is the correct demeanour.
It is therefore useful to appeal to and speak to the child to make him see
sense and the error of his ways.
Parents are obligated to be aware where their children are misbehaving and
to implement the necessary reprimand and discipline, so that they develop
into true Torah Jews. Nevertheless it should be the same loving parent who
rewards that is also the one who punishes. Where a meaningful relationship
with one’s child has been forged, the retribution and monitoring of the
parent will be understood by the child as a realization of the parent’s
deep love for his spiritual and physical welfare. Parents still have to
devote attention to develop effective methods how to chastise and
administer punishments where necessary, such that they are not
counter-productive in the long run.
Modern secular pedagogy and discipline are inappropriate in regards to a
Jewish child’s chinuch (Michtav MiEliyahu III p360). When punishing a child
it is imperative to divorce the parent’s feeling of anger from the
discipline necessary for the child’s betterment. Punitive action that
merely relieves a parent’s anger and frustration is not necessarily
remedial and positive for the child. The severe Torah prohibition against
administering physical punishment (Devarim 25:3) is only waived on very
rare occasions where the chinuch of the child deems it necessary. The Vilna
Gaon notes that while Shlomo HaMelech says, “Discipline your son, for there
is hope; let your soul not be swayed by his protest,” the next posuk
cautions the parent, to be wary that “A person of great anger will bear
punishment” (Mishlei 19: 18-19). As I heard Rav Pam shlita put it, “A
person is exempt from the mitzvah of chinuch when he is angry”.
Hitting a child as a means of discipline needs to be carefully deliberated.
Only where a parent clearly explains the reason for the punishment
beforehand and is sure that the action will have a positive outcome, can
physical retribution be considered. The Steipler Gaon writes that physical
punishment should be restricted to where a child is demonstrating a
continuous arrogance and brazenness or where a child must learn the meaning
of pain where he inflicts pain on others.
The great tzaddik and close talmud of the Baal Shem Tov, Harav Yitzchak
Shaul, the illui of Minsk, relates the following poignant story. His father
would have a leather strap hanging on the wall that would serve as an
admonition against his children’s bad behaviour.
A boisterous child, he took exception to the cock that had woken him at an
early hour and proceeded to pelt it with small stones in his backyard.
Seeing the scene, his father Rav Nissan called him in and berated him for
harming an animal.
“While I have never before hit you as a punishment, I feel that you must
feel the pain and anguish that you have been inflicting on another
creature.” Pausing, he asked his son to go and fetch the leather strap. “Do
you know the reason why I am going to hit you?” asked his father. Nodding
his head, Rav Nissan hit his child three times. Out of self-pride, the
child bit his lip and did not cry out.
Without saying another word, the father put the strap down, walked into the
adjoining room and closed the door behind him. As the child stood
motionless, from the room next door he heard his father crying bitterly.
“The strap hitting out at my body didn’t break me,” he would relate many
years later. “But that I had caused my father sobbed bitter tears for
having had to hit me. that truly broke me!”
It is often necessary to admonish a child; yet, one must be painstakingly
careful never to break his morale nor embarrass a child, as this can truly
hurt and damage his self-esteem, and a child is unable to forgive (Rashi,
Bava Metzia 22). Where a child has to be punished, he should be taken out
of the room. It must never be done in front of his siblings that can leave
him feeling hurt or ashamed (Pelah Yoetz).
Training Torah Values
Parents should continually emphasize the importance of Torah study, mitzvah
observance and good midos. Inculcating these principles allow them to
gradually impact the child. In the same way that a seller in the market
proclaims his wares hundreds of times that results in several successful
customers, so too, teaches the Chofetz Chaim, repetitious chinuch gradually
seeps into the child’s psyche. Who knows when the teachings of his parent
implanted in him will finally gain the desired affect? Parents should not
give up too quickly and despair when their instruction is not immediately
heeded.
Parents have to be mechanach their child in each and every mitzvah,
demonstrating the joy that it entails. Children have to be educated in all
fields of Torah observance, giving equal weight to mitzvos bein adam
l’mokom and those mitzvos bein adam l’chavero.
From the earliest age, children need to be taught that there is a Creator
in control of the Universe. Already as young children, both Abaye and Rava
were able to point upwards and acknowledge Hashem’s existence, noting that
He was Above them, namely that He was beyond their grasp (Berachos 8). The
Brisker Rov told his disciples that one of the most powerful methods of
implanting this emunah is through songs and zemiros that foster ahavas
Hashem, love of G-d. The child must similarly also be imbued with yiras
shomayim and taught to live by the principles of emunah and Torah min
Hashomayim (Heavenly origins of Torah). It should be borne in mind that
Jewish children enter into the category of bnei olam HaBa, children
designated for the World to Come, only once they answer amein to a brocho
(Rama, Orach Chaim 124). Children should recite brochos and birchas HaMozon
loud and clearly, as should their parents.
When it comes to chinuch regarding davening, I heard from the Klausenburger
Rebbe that the father should not spend the vast proportion of his time and
efforts in shul sh-sh-ing his son. Successful chinuch in tefillah is where
the son sees his father davening with great fervour and kavannah. The
impression of this is extremely efficacious. Pressuring children to daven
is extremely counter-productive. Wait until they are old enough and ready
to come to shul. A child should preferably daven less of the tefillos but
what he does, should be with more kavannah. After all, tefillos are termed
avodah shebelev, service of the heart. I would suggest selecting one pasuk
such as” ahallalah Hashem b’chayai, I will praise Hashem while I live.”
(Tehillim 146:2) and encourage the child to focus on the gratitude he
should have to Hashem, to thank Him for your very existence and continual
stream of benevolence. The child should be able to relate to a brocho like
refo’enu and to think about those children and family members who are
unfortunately not in good health.
Kibud av v’aym, honouring of parents, is crucial to the chinuch process.
But how does a parent demand respect? The best technique is for each parent
to impress upon their child the gratitude and reverence due to the other
parent. The father should highlight the unstinting daily kindness showered
by the children’s mother with the mother stressing the father’s efforts in
supporting the household.
In terms of interpersonal skills, the Reishis Chochmoh (Perek Giddel Bonim)
notes how a parent has to educate a child how to interact with others.
Parents should accentuate the midah of chesed, kindness, encouraging
children to share with their siblings and friends, and on the parents’
part, of not showing any form of favouritism between children, which as
seen from Yosef and his brothers, leads to jealousy (Shabbos 10b). In
particular, children should be taught the laws of lashon hara, of not
speaking derogatory about others.
I feel the great need to stress the dangers of spoiling children in an
affluent society. Children should to be taught that they do not need to
have everything they cast their eyes on, to satisfy their every whim – even
if their parents can afford to give it to them. Just because parents can
grant their children the freedom to choose and purchase anything in a
particular shop, does not mean that parents should allow them to do so.
This is not considered depriving children, but instead, provides an
excellent model of good chinuch, teaching children how to conduct their
lives and to be satisfied with the basics (Chullin 84a based on Mishlei 27:27).
In this regard, it is interesting to note the juxtaposition of the
passukim: “Train the youth according to his way; even when he grows old, he
will not swerve from it. A rich man dominates paupers and a debtor is a
servant to the creditor” (Mishlei2 2:6-7). The Alshich HaKodosh explains
the relevance between the latter posuk and chinuch. Even if one can afford
fineries, nevertheless, the rich man should train his children to be
content with less. Why is this so important? Since a child must realise
that “a debtor is a servant to the creditor”. The children are not
guaranteed to enjoy the luxuries of their parents, with the danger being
that in their failed attempt to maintain a glamorous lifestyle, they may
unfortunately become enslaved in ever-spiralling debts. As seen with Shmuel
Hanovi, although he was an only son to his mother Chanah, she nevertheless
dressed him in a simple linen robe (Shmuel I,2:18).
Where parents cannot afford something, Rav Chaim Friedlander notes that
there should not be any shame whatsoever for a parent to candidly admit
that they cannot afford something. This is also part of a child’s chinuch,
knowing that there are limitations. At the same time as acknowledging their
material restrictions, parents should nevertheless stress how they will
compensate the child in other areas, such as showering him with extra love
and devotion.
Learning Torah
As mentioned, there is an obligation for a father to teach his children
Torah. Payment of school fees is not equated with paying a worker, where if
the employer lacks the sufficient funds to pay, he is not obligated to
borrow money from elsewhere to repay the employee. The Tcheibener Rov notes
that this does not apply to school fees, where there is a personal
obligation on the parent himself to teach his son Torah. The principle “it
is better for someone to do the mitzvah himself rather than through a
shliach, messenger” (Kiddushin 41a) is only where the shliach does not get
paid. In this instance, however, where the teacher assumes the parent’s
role there is an obligation to borrow money if necessary. Where one
appoints a tutor or teacher, this is the fulfillment of his Biblical
obligation of teaching his son Torah.
Parents have to understand that they have to work in unison with
mechanchim, each complementing the efforts of the other. When a father came
to his child’s teacher and pleaded for assistance, the latter used a
parable to explain why he was unfortunately unable to have any impact on
the child.
Excitement gripped the small village as they eagerly awaiting the imminent
arrival of the world-famous physician. As the villagers began their
preparation for his arrival, on the outskirts of town a common thief held
up a journeying convoy and stole all their belongings including all the
doctors’ medical equipment. When the doctor finally reached town, people
queued up wishing for all their ailments to be healed. The first patient
was this very thief who the doctor instantly recognized. “I can’t heal you
and it’s not because I don’t want to,” explained the physician, “it is just
that the very equipment and medication that are necessary for me to remedy
your ailment, you yourself have stolen from me!”
The teacher sadly shook his head to the father. “Your derogatory comments
about the teachers in the school, have seriously undermined ‘our equipment’
and our ability and authority to impact the requisite chinuch for your child.”
The parent should show interest in his child’s welfare on a regular basis
even during the school year, expressing his admiration and support of his
child’s teachers throughout. Where parents ensure the payment of school
fees (even where this involves financial sacrifice in other areas) the Beis
Yisrael would stress that they are assured of deriving nachas from their
children. The Bach (O.C. 419) also quotes the ancient custom of paying
extra money to teachers on Rosh Chodesh. In spite of this, the parent
should learn with his children at home, farhering his child on what he has
learned in school and supplementing his learning by studying other material
not covered at school.
Keeping Mitzvos And Avoiding Aveiros
The obligation to prevent children from engaging in issurim precedes
training them in the performance mitzvos. For example, parents should
ensure that their children do not wear shaatnez even if they are a day old.
Parents should be particularly careful what their children eat as
illustrated in the following story.
The parents of a child with a specific problem travelled the world and
consulted with an array of doctors, psychiatrists in the search for a
solution -all without success. Finally the desperate parents came before
Rav Chaim Kanievsky shlita. After a moment’s thought, Rav Chaim said: “It
must be that when this child was young he ate machalos assuros, forbidden
foods. Why do you come to me? The Rambam has ruled that forbidden foods
spiritually defile the heart. Rav Chaim advised saying various Tehillim and
to recite the tefillah of Chana every Friday night upon lighting candles
until the child was healed. The mother followed Rav Chaim’s instructions
and with time, the child’s problem was boruch Hashem solved as he became
like a completely different person.
Fulfillment of mitzvos starts from when children are mature enough to
understand and do the mitzvah. The Reishis Chochmoh notes that chinuch of
mitzvos does not involve habitual repetition by routine without any feeling
or enthusiasm. Instead, children should be made excited by mitzvos, to long
for their beauty and rejoice in their performance. The recital of “vayehi
no’am, May the pleasantness of Hashem our Master be upon us” (Tehillim
90:17) prior to mitzvah performance is to sensitise ourselves that mitzvah
performance is a pleasant and rewarding experience. This attitude has to be
passed down to our children in turn. Rav Moshe Feinstein attributed the
lack of Shabbos observance in children of immigrants to pre-war America, to
the burdensome image and yoke that they portrayed and associated with Shabbos.
Chinuch Into Adulthood
The thirteen-year-old Bar Mitzvah boy puts on tefillin that are a
demonstration of “all the peoples of the earth will see that the Name of
Hashem is proclaimed over you” (Devarim 28:10). Rav Pam shlita observes
that the parallel to this for a girl lies within her refined behaviour,
midos and sensitivity to tzinius. Both boy and girl, as they mature and
reach adulthood, must be taught their holy status as a fully-fledged ben or
bas Yisroel and the deep responsibility to Torah and mitzvos that ensue.
Parents should compliment the fine tznius’diker taste and behaviour of
their daughters and develop this pride of being an observant Jew.
Part of the chinuch process involves preparing children to enter adulthood
and to ensure that they reach the chupah. Parents should follow the
universal Jewish practice of making inquiries and finding out information
regarding prospective shidduchim for their children, while taking interest
of their children’s choice of spouse.
These guidelines to chinuch, although certainly not exhaustive, are
worthwhile frequently revisiting as we engage in the awesome privilege of
chinuch. Devoting time to develop unique talents through forging a
meaningful relationship with our children, lies at the heart of the chinuch
process. May our tefillas be heard to successfully rear children that will
continue our holy legacy of joyous adherence to Torah and mitzvos,
educating a generation of Torah Jews worthy of welcoming Mashiach, speedily
in our times. Amein!