A well-known principle in the Mishnah states that Yom Kippur does not atone for sins committed bein adam l’chaveiro, between man and his fellowman, unless one has first sought to appease whomever he has wronged and obtained his forgiveness. The Divinely ordained power of Yom Kippur to atone for sins cannot be activated, so to speak, unless one has assuaged any hurt feelings that he has caused{1}.

Asking for forgiveness is usually an unpleasant task, where one must lower himself to admit his wrongdoing to his fellowman. Since people naturally wish to avoid such painful or embarrassing encounters, they delay asking for forgiveness for as long as possible. Recognizing this factor, the Rabbis established erev Yom Kippur as the final “deadline.” Since everyone wants to maximize Yom Kippur’s potential to cleanse and purify a Jew from sin, that desire becomes the impetus to ask for forgiveness{2}.

One must ask to be forgiven for any type of act that may have harmed another person, whether it is of a physical, verbal or financial{3} nature, etc., and whether the act was committed directly to the person’s face or behind his back.

Before the advent of Yom Kippur, one should review in his mind any comments he has made or acts he has done that would require him to approach the injured party and ask for their forgiveness. Many people ask forgiveness from their friends for routine, relatively inconsequential slights; forgiveness in such cases is easily asked for and easily given. But one must also approach those whom one has seriously wronged, and obtain their forgiveness. This is much more difficult yet absolutely essential.

Question: Does Shimon need to appease or ask for forgiveness from Reuven if he knows that Reuven has already forgiven him in his heart?

Answer: There are two opinions. Some hold that as long as Reuven is appeased and no longer bears a grudge, then there is no reason for Shimon to ask forgiveness, since the goal has been achieved{4}. Others, however, maintain that the process requires that Shimon humble himself before Reuven and make up for hurting him by asking forgiveness. The embarrassment involved is part of the purification process, a form of yisurim that the sinner must go through before Divine forgiveness may be granted. The fact that Reuven has already pardoned him does not remove that obligation{5}. While the major poskim, including the Mishnah Berurah, do not explicitly discuss this issue, we may support this point by mentioning that the Chafetz Chayim urged that the Declaration of Forgiveness paragraph, whose original place in the lengthy Tefillah Zakah was towards the end, be moved up to the beginning of the prayer so that everyone would recite it{6}. Apparently, it was his view that reciting this paragraph is crucial since it allows for forgiveness to be granted despite the fact that Shimon did not humble himself and expressly petition Reuven for forgiveness.

Question: Reuven, who in the past spoke lashon ha-ra about Shimon, now seeks his forgiveness. If Shimon is unaware of what exactly was said about him, is Reuven required to repeat to Shimon what he said about him in order for Shimon to forgive him completely?

Answer: If the lashon ha-ra that was spoken was not “accepted” by the listeners and no harm was done to Shimon, Reuven does not have to ask Shimon’s forgiveness at all. He must, however, repent for his sin and ask forgiveness directly from Hashem{7}. If the lashon ha-ra did cause harm to Shimon, and Shimon is aware of the lashon ha-ra that was said about him, Reuven must beseech Shimon directly. If Shimon is unaware of what was said about him, Reuven must tell him{8}. If the information will cause Shimon embarrassment or pain, then Reuven need not elaborate upon the lashon ha-ra that was spoken{9}. A general request for forgiveness will suffice. Rav Yisrael Salanter{10} explains that there is no need to hurt Shimon by letting him know the lashon ha-ra that was spoken about him. He adds that the custom of asking forgiveness of everyone on erev Yom Kippur avoids such unnecessary embarrassment{11}. Question: Reuven feels that Shimon is upset at him for no reason at all. Does Reuven have to appease him anyway?

Discussion: Yes, for two reasons. First, because Reuven must clarify whether or not Shimon has a legitimate claim of which Reuven is unaware. Secondly, Sefas Emes{12} proves from the Talmud that even when someone is unjustifiably upset, he must still be appeased. It is reasonable to assume, however, that this is only required if Reuven actually did something that could cause Shimon to be upset. But if, in fact, Reuven did absolutely nothing wrong, and Shimon’s grievances are irrational—possibly because he is jealous of Reuven or he is an insecure, neurotic individual—then Reuven would have no obligation to appease Shimon.

Question: Can the appeasement be made through a messenger or must it be done in person?

Discussion: L’chatchilah, it is preferable that it be done in person. If, however, this is difficult to do, or if there is a better chance of forgiveness being granted if a third party mediates, then it should be done through a third party [or by phone or mail{13}].

Question: How is Reuven supposed to react to Shimon’s appeasement?

Discussion: Reuven is required to let his anger towards Shimon—even when justified—dissipate and abate. Reuven must do this not only for the sake of Shimon who otherwise will be denied atonement, but also for his own sake. The following four reasons are offered: