When a man takes a wife … (Devarim 24:1)

When a man takes a new wife, he shall not go out in the army, nor shall he be subjected to anything associated with it. He shall remain free for his home for one year and delight his wife, whom he has taken. (Devarim 24:5)

One of my Rebbeim asked at a Sheva Brochos, “Why is a new groom exempt from going to war?” He whimsically quipped based on the Talmudic edict, “HaOsek B’Mitzvah Patur Min HaMitzvah” – “One who is busy with a Mitzvah is exempt from a Mitzvah”. He said, “HaOsek B’Milchama Patur Min HaMilchama” – “One who is involved in a war is exempt from a war”.

He quickly responded to his own assertion so as not to leave a stain of cynicism about marriage and reminded them, “It’s true that marriage is a war. It’s a war to see who will give more, and who will give in first.”. In that way it is100% true. This is not just a nice homily and a noble ideal. It is deeply rooted in the foundation of marriage, from its very inception.

I was giving a general class on appreciating the veracity and function of the Oral Torah. I wanted to give the group a flavor of what some of the dynamics of learning are about. Maybe it was a strategic error, since there were both men and women present, for me to choose the first Mishne in Kiddushin, which talks about initiating marriage.

Right away I realized that I was in hot water. I was choosing my words with extra care but there was no way to avoid what was printed there on the handout in black and white, “When a man takes a woman…”. From there it went from bad to worse. How does a man take a woman, the Mishne continues explaining that one of the three ways is with Kesef, money. I was starting to sweat heavily. I knew I was about to trigger a certain portion of the room. I had no choice but to continue on and soon the hot water I was in was ready to boil over.

The Talmud explains how and why money catalyzes and cements a marriage between a man and a woman. It’s based on a source partially embedded in this week’s Torah portion, “Ki Yikach Isha” – “When a man will take a woman”. That same word “KACH” – “TAKE” is used elsewhere when Avraham Avinu is buying a field to bury his beloved Sara. The Talmudic principle of “Gezera Shava”, or in computer language a hyperlink, is employed to connect those two difference usages of the same word, and it allows for a sharing of concepts. That’s how it works. A man takes a wife and Avraham acquires a field.”

By that point I could feel the room about to explode, even though no one had uttered a syllable. I could already anticipate the objections like flaming arrows of disgust aimed my way and even worse permanently sullying their impression of the Torah. “That’s how a man takes a woman, like taking a field?!”

Then, with help from heaven, I discovered something that saved the day. I didn’t have to force it or fudge it even a little bit. It’s as real and true as can be. I later checked my math with solid scholarly sources and found agreement. One verse clearly spells out, “when a man will take a woman” and it is talking about marriage. The other verse, with regard to Avraham acquiring a field to bury Sara, it does not say that Avraham took the field. The word, “KACH” – “TAKE” is employed by Avraham when he is speaking to Ephron, the seller of the field, “And he spoke to Ephron in the ears of the people of the land, saying, “But, if only you would listen to me. I am giving the money for the field; KACH MEMENI – take from me, and I will bury my dead there.”

Avraham was not taking the field. He was imploring Ephron to take the money so he could acquire the field. How did Avraham acquire that field and how does man practically take a wife, by giving. That is the sweet secret of a successful marriage.