Honor your father and your mother- (Shemos 20:12)

We have, as a general rule, that HASHEM does not overburden us with tasks that cannot be accomplished by ordinary human beings. The Talmud states, “The Torah was not given to ministering angels!” By the same token, Mitzvos are also, most often urging us out of our comfort zone. They don’t ask us to do things that don’t require a commandment. The Torah does not have to tell us to breathe by inhaling and exhaling alternately. We would do that instinctively without a heavenly mandate to do so. Kids naturally honor their parents. I remember as a youth, that the biggest and most ferocious fights in school were when somebody insulted or even slighted someone else’s parents. So, after a 26 generation, 2448-year silence, HASHEM chooses to include in HIS inaugural address, within the top five talking points, an alert to the world to honor father and mother. Do we not naturally do so!?

Here are two big detracting points that might compete with or undermine completely that natural tendency of people to honor their parents. The very first one I will call “The Skyscraper Syndrome”. Part of the Mitzvah is to become a student of one’s parents’ virtues. We all need to see the good and noble qualities that our parents possess. That can be a naturally challenging exercise even for the best parents with the nicest children, for a simple reason.

I was a frequent guest for Shabbos at a great Rabbi’s house. Sometimes, in order to accommodate the invitees, some children’s seats needed to be moved. I witnessed this great father gently trying to persuade one son to change seats and then the resistance ensued. After Kiddush, and while waiting to wash hands, I quietly reminded one boy, “The Rosh HaYeshiva was asking you to move to a different chair.” He looked at me with total wonderment. “Rosh HaYeshiva!? That’s my father!”

Walking down the streets in New York City you see some people with their eyes vaulted to the tops of the tall buildings while others are going about their business casually. What is the difference? One is a tourist and the other is a native New Yorker.

The city dweller remains unimpressed by the enormity of the buildings because of his overfamiliarity with them. We all know that familiarity tends to breed contempt. The Mitzvah of honoring parents is a call to overcome that tendency and become a conscious student, like one pursuing a doctorate in parental virtues!

The Sefer HaChinuch writes: “Amongst the sources of this Mitzvah is that it is fitting for a person to recognize and do acts of kindliness to someone who did him good, and that he should not be so despicable as to deny that indebtedness because this is a very bad and extremely ugly trait to G-d and to people. Therefore, one should take to heart that his parents are the cause for his being in this world and it is truly fitting to offer them honor and whatever else that is possible, since they struggled on your behalf countless times since your infancy.

Here’s the problem, the impediment, the challenge. We can call it “The Debtors Syndrome”. Nobody likes being indebted to another person. It may feel uncomfortable to bump into someone that loaned you a large sum of money. What happens when the human mind feels burdened constantly by this? It will employ a perverse genius.

I heard from one of my Rebbeim that the Chasam Sofer returned from a long trip away from Pressburg and he was greeted with the rugged news that someone in town was defaming him and abusing his reputation while he was gone. The Chasam Sofer sat down and began to reflect and think deeply. The students asked their Rebbe what he was busy contemplating. He told them, “I am trying to recall what favor I did this man, that now he hates me so.”

In all my years in communal matters it has become clear to me that the ones who pay the least complain the most. Nobody likes to be indebted and so they find a fault or a problem that in their mind exempts them from this mountainous dept of gratitude. Instead of being students of their parents’ virtues they become expert fault finders and professional complainers. This all needs to be reversed and so this Mitzvah is the cure.